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As parents, we put a lot of work into ‘getting it right’. We want our kids to have what they need to grow up to be happy, successful adults. We want to enjoy their childhood with them. We want to mentor them as they find their way in the world.
It’s not always easy to know how to do that. One way is to honor their awareness and trust what they know. What if your child already knew more than you realized, even as a baby? Acknowledging this allows you to include them and lets them choose. This lets you as a parent off the hook; you don’t have to get it all right and you are not responsible for the outcome of their lives. Successful parenting is about starting to trust; trusting your children and their knowing, trusting you as the parent and your knowing and trusting the relationship you have together. And, it also includes the willingness to let them fail and trusting that everything will be okay.
It’s about not assuming that you as the adult are the superior person. It’s about empowering your kids.
Key elements of successful parenting include honor, trust, allowance, vulnerability and gratitude. Honoring them as the Beings they are and not trying to make them be someone else. Trusting that they will always do their best. Allowing them to make their own choices, even if it means failing. The willingness to be vulnerable and letting them truly see you, even when you are hurting. And having gratitude for them, as they are, and for being in your life.
Are you looking for a different approach that empowers both you as a parent and your children? Here are my top 6 tips:
Tip #1. Open communication. My children, who are now young adults, really appreciated my open line of communication with them, without judgment; so they could confide in me whenever something was going on in their lives such as if there was a situation occurring at school. Communication from conscious parenting doesn’t come from a place of trying to solve their problems, but being an outlet for your kids and honoring the information that they are sharing with you. This, however, does not mean you can’t still share resources with them; you may have information on resources that they may not even know exist.
Tip #2. Non-resistance and non-judgment. When you react to the choices your kids are making and start to tell them what to do, you are judging them, their choices and their capability to deal with the situation at hand. In so doing, they have to resist you and do the opposite. Judgment cannot exist when you have the elements of a conscious relationship; such as when you trust or you honor your kids, or when you are being vulnerable with them. It’s about allowing your kids to be the way they desire to be, whatever decisions they are going to make; allowing them to do it without resisting or judging them and without telling them what they need to do. And also allowing you to be who you are. In doing this, you are actually honoring them to make their own decisions and honoring what they are choosing. I am not saying put them in an unsafe position. You can still share with them the consequences of actions, but not from a defensive mode of anger, rather, from a neutral place of ‘I want to share some information with you’.
Tip #3. Avoid telling them what to do, even when you know what the outcome will be. As parents we tend to go, ‘I’ve been there done that’ and there’s so much I can share with my kids, but it eliminates them to have their own natural or gut instincts or awareness to get the information. There were moments when I really felt I knew better than my kids. But we can’t put a bubble around them for the rest of their lives and, at the end of the day, our kids know a lot more than we are willing to give them credit for. We need them to have their own awareness to make their own choices. When you are willing to be in allowance of your kids, you allow them to receive information and awareness that, truly, only they can receive from their own choices. Choice creates awareness. You will never know the outcome until you have actually selected and made a choice. That’s not saying you can’t be there to hold their hand and guide them through it, but don’t stop them taking a step towards that experience just because you think you know what the outcome’s going to be. And sometimes what you as a parent think is the right thing for your child to do, isn’t. The outcome could be important for their growth.
Tip #4. Be you. You don’t have to be a perfect parent. Are you willing to let your kids see who you truly are? Are you willing to let your kids see you being vulnerable? You don’t have to cry, but what if it was about you being willing to be vulnerable with your kids, with no judgment?
Tip #5. Be grateful for your kids. Judgment cannot exist when there is gratitude. And, by giving gratitude, by being gratitude, by appreciating people, you give them the opportunity to see all the miracles in our world that maybe they didn’t even know were available. And, on the topic of gratitude, acknowledge and be grateful for you too; for the kindness you have been to the world.
Tip #6. Have fun. One of the things we forget to do is have more fun with our kids. If we are willing to allow them to have more fun, it opens up so much more. Balance is a huge part of life. You need to balance school with fun and extra-curricular, etc. You need to trust that your kids are doing the best that they can in everything that they do, and in that trust, you can let go and have fun.
And just as importantly, give yourself a break! What if you didn’t have to be the perfect parent? What if is enough to give your kids the kindness they require? The trust they require? The honoring that they require? What if you being that space of allowance, gives your kids what they require to move forward to whatever their greatness is?
